King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
“The two mightiest monsters of all time… In the most colossal conflict the screen has ever known!”
also
“Ha! King Kong Can’t Make a Monkey Out of Us!”
King Kong. Godzilla. And the first and greatest two guys in rubber suits smack down in Toho history!
Ok, we know the great ape and the glowing iguana will come to blows, but how did these turgid titans get in the ring together?
The film kicks off with a newscast by UN reporter Eric Carter (Michael Keith) hosting a program that appears to be part National Geographic, part nightly news, and part Mr. Wizard, discussing abnormally warm waters in the Arctic and a United Nations nuclear submarine (who knew they had nuclear subs?) sent to investigate. He wraps up the report with a lighter piece on some mysterious “non-addictive narcotic berries” discovered by a Big Pharma/media group called Pacific Pharmaceuticals. All this exposition counts in a 90 minute flick and will drive much of the story.
So flash forward (and warning that Spoilers are salted in liberally from here on).
The valiant UN sub Sea Hawk is minding its own business exploring icebergs when it comes upon a mysterious glowing one…which, by the way, is also making Godzilla growling noises. What could go wrong?
As it happens, quite a bit for the Sea Hawk, as it has a terrifying (seriously, it is a pretty disturbing scene) and fatal encounter with the G-Man. As things unfold - and we will see several times in the movie - Godzilla is pretty much…what is the best way to say this…an evil dick. The encounter with the Sea Hawk is just the first of several instances where he clearly kills a whole bunch of people (others include him melting tanks with soldiers inside and swatting helicopters from the sky).
This is not the warm, cuddly Godzilla of Son of Godzilla.
Ok, moving ahead, Godzilla (played by Haruo Nakajima - from the original Godzilla) heads from the Artic to Japan. We never really know why, although a lot of talking heads on Eric Carter’s show (if you are interested, you can turn people saying his name into a drinking game - two drinks when he says it himself) kick around ideas, including it being his ancestral home.
Meanwhile…
Remember Pacific Pharmaceuticals? Ok, while all the Godzilla stuff is going on they have sent a small expedition to a place called Faro Island (it is unclear why they didn’t go with the original Skull Island), where the coveted red berries grow. Once there the team meet primitive natives (it is kind of cringeworthy…they are Japanese in semi-blackface), watch some hottie dancers, trade the berries for a pack of cigarettes and a transistor radio, and meet King Kong, who rescues they from a giant octopus who is looking to bogart the villagers jars of red berry juice.
At this point we discover that Kong has a substance abuse problem.
So how do you subdue a giant ape (after seeing him, Pacific Pharmaceuticals decides they want to capture Kong to be a spokesman for their product…no….seriously)? Simple, you wait until he does red berry shots and passes out. Yeah….that’s pretty much how it goes down.
We’re going to hit the fast forward button again because hey, everyone is really just interested in the fight and not the set up, so we will bypass Kong (played by Shoichi Hirose, a no kidding great actor who appeared in classics like Yojimbo and The Seven Samurai) escaping, Godzilla stepping on a lot of people, Kong being drugged and captured and carried away by helium balloons, and the revelation that Godzilla does not like electricity but Kong gets (sorry) energized by it.
The two titans finally face off near Mount Fuji. The initial fracas lasts for - literally - one minute, with Kong approaching Godzilla, G-Man blasting him with atomic breath, Kong giving him a “WTF bro???” look, shaking his head, and walking off.
After some prodding from the military, the two enter the ring again for a ten minute battle royale.
Round 1: Kong grabs Godzilla by the tail and swings him around. When he gets tired of that, he starts throwing rocks at the lizard menace. Godzilla retaliates with his atomic breath, leading to another “WTF” expression and look of vague disappointment from Kong. Round to Kong.
Round 2: Kong knocks Godzilla to the ground, pummeling him with solid left hooks, then - getting up - throws a flurry of boulders at the Great Green One. Then…for reasons that are unclear, Kong trips, rolls down a hill, and knocks himself out. Round to Godzilla.
Round 3: Godzilla moves in for the kill, burying the Great Ape with rocks and sitting on his face. The last is too much for Kong, who rallies but is knocked to the ground again, where Godzilla repeatedly slaps him in the face with his tail and blasts him with his atomic breath. Round to Godzilla.
Round 4: Kong, nearly defeated, is struck by a lightning bolt that restore him to full strength. He hits the lizard with lefts…rights…more lefts…then he shoves a pine tree down Godzilla’s throat. The ape is unstoppable, using Skull Island Ju Jitsu and electrified fingers (remember the lightning) to trounce the overgrown iguana. Godzilla uses his atomic breath but nothing is holding Kong back. Round to Kong.
Then a big earthquake hits (the special effects for this scene are really good), Godzilla disappears, and Kong, declared the winner by the audience, swims out to sea.
The Decision: Winner and reigning King, Kong.
Want to rewatch the fight? You can catch it HERE.
Three out of Five Electrified Bananas.
🍌🍌🍌
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