“This is a serious matter….we need Santa Claus in Mars!”

also…

“Turn off the tickle ray!”

Ok, so Santa Clause Conquers the Martians might be more of a Saturday morning film than a Saturday Night Drive-In classic, but it has all the elements of a good old Grind House Classic.

Cheap sci-fi effects?

Got it.

Disturbing plot twists…including a poorly painted Martian jettisoning an 8 and 10 years old child into space?

Got it.

Supernatural creatures with weird mind powers?

Yeah, that too.

So what is this movie about?

The movie kicks off with a newscaster interviewing Santa (who is, of course, a real person) at the North Pole. After getting to know the C Man a little, things jump 70 million miles away to the Red Planet, where Martian mom Momar (get the name?) (Leila Martin) and Martian King Kimar (Leonard Hicks) deal with their kids Bomar (Boy Martian…see, you’re catching on) (Chris Month) and Girmar (Pia Zadora - Butterfly) who are withdrawn and obsessed about watching Earth TV shows.

Kimar decides, as one does, that the solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and force him to bring gifts and cheer to the children of Mars.

Heading to Earth with his henchmen, the grumpily evil Voldar (Vincent Beck) and the dopy but sweet Dropo (Bill McCutcheon), as well as a robot that probably set back the special effects budget $19.95, Team Martian capture Santa and two Earth children, Betty and Billy (Donna Conforti and Victor Stiles), and head back to the fourth planets…but not before Santa reveals his secret super power (he can make almost anyone, including robots but not, apparently, Voldar, a happier and kinder person )…and Voldar attempts to murder Saint Nick and the kids.

But hey, what’s a little attempted murder in a Christmas special?

Once on Mars, Santa and the kids are put to work in a sweatshop (the Martians do not seem to have child labor laws) producing toys for the children of the Red Planet.

We’ll leave the rest to you, but shenanigans ensue.

So is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians on the Naughty or Nice List?

While it is easy to make fun of this film (Mystery Science Theater 3000) dedicated an episode to it), it is surprisingly sweet (despite the murdery and human trafficking bits). I would be a little cautious about having really young children watch because, you know, attempted child murder and active human trafficking, but it should be fine for older kids and general family viewing.

You can catch it in space blazing color HERE.

Three out of Five Green Skinned Santas.

🎅🏿🎅🏿🎅🏿

Have fun with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians? You might want to pull one of these from Santa’s bag: